A Professional Writer Shares His Relationship Building Secrets.

Or ... how to build a relationship with your mailing list.

There are lots of factors that help to build that mystical thing called a relationship: honesty, reliability, trustworthiness, charm, empathy, newsworthiness, ethics, outspokenness. But if you don't have them, you may find it hard to learn them. Without them your career as an online writer may be short lived.

Time, practice and experience will hone your communication skills, but in the short term, let's look at what I believe are the critical factors in effective relationship building with your readers that you can apply straight away.

The absolute number one secret - and if you stop reading this article before the end the vital information you must take a way with you - is that you can't build a relationship with a list. Relationships are for people. You and me.

When I sit down to write Kickstart Today, I never write to a list. I write to Richard, who I met for the first time at a seminar and who sent me a Christmas card. I write to Pearson, who started out as a subscriber and soon became a close mate. I write to Margaret, who sends me lovely emails. I write to my daughter, who reads Kickstart at work.

Right now, for example, I'm imagining that you have asked me a question about building relationships through your writing and I am simply answering you. As your relationship with your readers grows and they write to you with more comments and questions, your need to imagine reduces.

The strange thing is that the better you succeed at addressing one person in your writing the more you'll get emails from other people asking how you knew exactly what they wanted to hear. Your writing will resonate because there are only so many concerns to go round and by addressing one person's thoughts, you'll appear to be reading the minds of many.

Everybody loves to eavesdrop, but the reality is by writing one-to-one, everyone will think you are writing to them personally. But as soon as you write one-to-many, it becomes impersonal and bland.

As far as writing ezines and newsletters are concerned, over and over again I see so-called experts writing hoary old advice:

1. Eliminate the I's and Me's and maximize the 'you's'.

2. Sell something to your list every message to 'train' them to be more receptive.

In my view, both bits of advice are utter rubbish from a relationship building point of view.

The information that you provide in your writing is only one reason that people read what you have to say. Newsletters that are totally focused on topic tend to be quite boring to read. There is no personality. You can't build a relationship if you write like a text book. It is vital - especially online - to inject yourself and your life into what you write.

In my experience, so long as you are delivering the real information too, you can't talk about yourself and your life enough! I get far more emails about the personal things I write than about the stuff my newsletter is really about - and I love it!

A good newsletter is like a soap opera - it draws the reader into the life of the writer and makes him or her eager to know more.

Talking about the everyday personal things that happen in your life is how to build a relationship with your list - one person at a time, because the same things are happening in your reader's lives. Each time your life compares with one of your reader's experiences, resonance happens and you've found another soul mate.

As to trying to sell them stuff every time you write ... well, that is very dangerous unless you can pull it off with a a lot of charm.

I know of a few newsletters that manage it to perfection - and the readers hardly realize they've been sold to - but most just come across as pushy and spammy.

In my own newsletters, I've always stuck to the principle that I only recommend things I've used myself and can honestly say are worth the money. If that means I only recommend something every few weeks, so be it. At least my readers know that the recommendations, when they do come, are heartfelt. And I believe my response rates bear out my policy!

Frequency of publication is another factor to consider that can affect your relationship building with your readers.

Many ezines and newsletters publish monthly - way to infrequently, in my view, for serious relationship building. Even weekly publication can be slow if you are not a strong and personal writer.

If you can write without too much effort, go for at least twice a week. My own Kickstart newsletter was five times a week for a hundreds of issues and the biggest complaints were when I reduced to three times a week.

I still get dozens of emails whenever I skip an issue!

It goes without saying that over-use of other people's writing in your newsletter can damage your relationship building if you aren't careful.

Which brings me to content. Many people still think that a newsletter can be a mish-mash of guest articles. I'm sorry to have to tell you that that particular model stopped working well several years ago. Now, your readers want to hear what you think, what you have to say, what your experiences are. And to provide them with that you've got to sit down and learn to write.

And when you do start learning to write, forget most of the rubbish that you learned in school or business. Write like you'd talk to a close friend, not to your teacher or business client.

The kind of writing that really builds relationships sounds natural when you read it out loud. Sentences start with and, words are contracted and the tone is informal.

All of which brings us right back to the start: write as if you are talking to one person, keep it honest and personal and remember that you are not writing to a list, you are communicating with a friend. Relationship building is best done one person at a time.

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